What I felt while he cheated on me

When there's infidelity, there's a suspicion that increases stress levels. Uncertainty begins to invade our minds as we don't know whether our suspicions are real or not. Doubt robs us of our peace of mind. 

How is your self-esteem?

The doubt and suspicion of infidelity directly threatens our safety and mental health; our self-esteem begins to deteriorate, so it's very important for you to know that you are not responsible for the decisions your partner makes; they are external decisions that are unrelated to your value as a person.

Self-esteem is shaken because thoughts of disappointment arise. You feel like your partner no longer wants you. You wonder what the person who broke up the relationship is like. You compare yourself and begin listing all the possible causes (usually negative thoughts), making you feel guilty and vulnerable. The bond of commitment that once made you decide to be together is broken.

Disappointment and betrayal begin to take on a tone of deceit, producing a state of anger, rage, frustration, and conflicting thoughts. Although there is love, you begin to experience feelings of hate, and it is precisely this contradiction that complicates the situation when it comes to making decisions about it.

When infidelity occurs, you immediately feel a rush of adrenaline, where you feel a strong need to monitor everything related to your partner. You distrust everything that person represents, as well as everything that comes from them. You begin to question absolutely everything with the sole purpose of getting answers to all your questions.

Do you feel like your partner is cheating on you?

Everyone is unique and unrepeatable, so every couple is different in many ways. Before jumping to conclusions, it's important to have a calm, honest, and direct conversation to begin to clarify the doubts that are bothering you.

Here are some things to consider:

1. You notice changes in your partner

Do you feel like your partner has improved their grooming or is they more concerned about their physical appearance? Are you starting to notice their daily activities changing? What about their routine and schedule? If they receive a call or text, do they back away so you can't hear or see them? Do you find it difficult to communicate with them when they're at work or on a business trip? Do you feel indifferent toward the relationship and intimacy? If your answer is yes to most of these questions, then suspicions are starting to grow.

2. Mobile Phone

It's always tempting to grab your partner's cell phone and clarify your suspicions. DON'T DO IT. Aside from being a unilateral invasion of your partner's privacy, text messages can have many interpretations and be taken out of context.

3. Gossip

If you live in a small city, town, or municipality, remember the popular saying: "Small town, big hell." In small places, it's difficult to lead a double life because most people know each other, and gossip and rumors are rife. 

4. Tying up loose ends

Have you checked and put the pieces of the puzzle together? Don't assume; I believe, I think, and I consider are prohibited. Don't lose sight of objectivity at all times. If you're going to confront your partner, do so with hard, verified data.

5. The other version

Postponing your doubt or suspicion won't make you feel better. You need to talk to your partner as soon as possible, and in that conversation, you'll see signs that will give you clarity. Their body language will begin to speak for itself; you'll be able to observe their mood, their expression, and their reactions. You'll notice if they're nervous or if they want to change the subject.

6. The Sixth Sense

There's something, that something inside you that you revisit every day, all the time. That something you sometimes don't know what, that putting a label or name on it is difficult, but you know it's there.

Is infidelity forgiven?

Forgiveness is a decision that must be carefully and thoughtfully considered. Forgiving infidelity has many emotional implications that you must consider, although it is possible. It requires a personal examination of how willing we are to exercise real, honest, and possible forgiveness. Forgiveness must come from the heart, knowing that past infidelity is a closed topic and, for obvious reasons, cannot be brought up again, much less in an argument.

Certainly, forgiveness requires the other person to take very specific and precise actions that clearly demonstrate change and repentance. A simple "I'm sorry" isn't enough; it clearly shows that the person isn't owning up to the mistake they made or taking responsibility for it.

What if I can't or don't want to forgive?

It's also valid to come to the conclusion that the damage has been so great that you declare yourself incapable of forgiving from the heart. Don't feel bad. Don't blame yourself. It's about being consistent with your way of understanding the situation, and then the work of rebuilding will begin, of regaining your security and self-esteem; and this is a process you'll have to start as soon as possible. Your new life is about to begin, and from this moment on, you need to be careful about what you say to the people you know. You probably love or have contact with your ex-partner, and you don't want to regret something you said to the wrong person. You want to get it off your chest; find someone you trust completely and tell them.

How do I know if I'm making the best decision?

 Ending a relationship has many facets, many variables to consider, and it needs to be done calmly. Here are some tips.

• Take your time, don't make decisions out of anger or rage.
• Live your solitude. Doing things alone will give you greater clarity.
• Make plans for 1, 5, and 10 years from now. How do you see yourself in those years?
• Talk to someone who's been through a similar situation. It will give you perspective.
• Find a professional. They'll give you an objective view of reality and support you in this new stage of your life. You'll need them.
• Pay attention to your intuition. Balancing reason and what you truly feel will help you find answers from within.

What if I take Couples Therapy? 

It can work. Deciding to end a relationship isn't easy. With the help of a professional through therapeutic counseling, it can lead to finding possible solutions and compromises for both parties if there is a genuine intention to save the relationship. It's very important that both parties are fully committed to couples therapy for it to work.

A psychologist is empowered to help and guide you through infidelity, including all its repercussions. Restore trust and establish the right path to recover the relationship. Going to couples therapy out of obligation hinders dialogue, and the medium-term results won't be optimal.

Couples therapy is not a formula to save a relationship, it is a space where both parties will individually define the next steps. It is likely that by taking couples therapy, you will realize that you no longer want to continue the relationship and confirm from a conscious and mature perspective that it is best to end it calmly, with agreements and in a civilized manner. 

If your partner cheats on you, you shouldn't assume the role of victim; because it immediately puts you at a disadvantage, where forgiveness and power become weapons that can generate greater chaos. You are the one who forges your own destiny, who makes your own decisions, and wholly responsible for seeking your happiness. That happiness can be found through genuine forgiveness or by starting a new life.

If you want to improve your well-being, we at Psycolocity can help. Contact us and BE your best self.

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