I'm not the type to give affection.
If the following phrases resonate with you or resonate with you in some way, this reading is for you. Why do you have such a hard time being affectionate? Why are you so blunt? Why weren't you taught how to love?
If you answer or nod to the above statements, it's not that you don't care or that they matter to you. Do you know that you feel affection and love for the other person, even if the demonstrations aren't meeting your partner's expectations? Well, you've come to the right place.
Being a partner, being a parent, being a wife, being a child—these are states that demand a lot of affection from other people. If you're one of those people who spends all day at work, chatting with people, doing homework with your children, do you really think you'll want to show affection at the end of the day? All you'll want is to rest and be in silence.
It's important to know and recognize that we are facing a temporary state of our personality, although we mustn't lose sight of the fact that there are a number of factors that contribute to making displays of affection difficult or simply impossible for us to show. Our childhood, our upbringing, the relationship we had with our parents, and of course our personality are all factors that influence how we show affection in our adult life.
It's worth noting that despite all the influence we received as children from our parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends, they don't define the fate of our relationships. There's always the possibility of getting to know ourselves, reflecting, and starting to do things differently. While we don't know how, we realize there are other ways to do it, and that's precisely where we should focus our efforts. A person learns to drive, ski, ride a horse... then there's hope. Behaviors can be changed. Have no doubt about it.
Here are some steps you can take to begin acquiring this skill:
- Start with words, spark conversation. Use the element of surprise.
It's an excellent way to start. Open your heart, speak the truth, and explain how you feel to your partner. Explain that you love them in all the ways your emotions know how. Explain that your upbringing and childhood lacked displays of affection and that you grew up in an environment where such displays were uncommon. Your partner will appreciate the recognition and acceptance of the truth and will help you work through this gap together.
- Work together, as a team, as a cog.
Once the problem is accepted, once it's acknowledged, you've reached 50% of the goal. This is the primary step for moving forward. Clearly, words flow less, so use writing as a personal, intimate way to express what you want to express or say to your partner. Establish the rules, start with two or three things, and gradually increase the number of requests as this exercise flows more effectively. Then, discuss it in a calm environment, alone, and be open to listening to what your partner has to say.
Language comes in many forms; it can be gestures, glances, or other displays of affection that don't require words. Make gestures that you only use with her, that are exclusive to your partner, and let her know they're exclusive to her.
- Here and now.
It's important to pay attention to the present moment; as time goes by, we tend to let affection fall by the wayside. The time spent together as a couple is so long that many gestures, glances, attention, words, and moments are taken for granted. It's important to define a mechanism that allows both of you to communicate spontaneously and consistently. Leave a whiteboard on the refrigerator or somewhere you both can see, and write down something you like about your partner every day. You'll find yourself pleasantly surprised, and you'll begin to recognize and remember moments or traits you'd forgotten.
- Flow and don't be afraid.
Don't feel like you're giving up on your way of being or loving; go with the flow and don't resist it. Recognize your condition, internalize it, and flow with it. Being vulnerable isn't bad; it's an act of surrender and love. You are becoming a lighter, more aware, and happier person.
- Persist, persist, persist.
There will be days when you feel like you just can't do it. It's okay. Return to this practice as often as necessary. You'll find that, before you know it, this practice will become part of your life and your habits. Your partner will appreciate it, and you'll immediately see how your closeness with them will magically change. Try it.
There are no formulas, no single path that will lead you to your destination. Flow, live, and find the best way to have a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship that makes you grow and, therefore, happy.
If you want to improve your level of well-being, in Psycolocity We can help you. Contact us and BE your best self.