Couples Therapy. Will It Work for Me?
Psychology encompasses many fields, and sometimes people think therapy is only for individuals. However, it also serves to improve the relationships we have with others, whether at work, with our partners, with our friends, or in any interpersonal relationship we have. All relationships have a high degree of complexity and are composed of constantly changing beings. This is why we need to be mindful of their interactions to maintain healthy, positive, and lasting relationships.
What about relationships?
Well, relationships are more complex. Here, we must be skilled enough to understand the characteristics or elements of a relationship that are damaged and need to be addressed. For this purpose, couples therapy is necessary.
Couples therapy is a shared space where feelings, emotions, doubts, and dissatisfaction are expressed in order to find common ground between two people who, at some point, decided to live together.
And we need to stop blaming, labeling, or evaluating the situation as a problem. It's a relationship that presents disagreement, distance, and, to some extent, an inability to reach agreements on their own. It's a relationship between two people with intelligence, willpower, and the ability to make decisions, and it will largely depend on each of them to improve the situation they find themselves in, both individually and collectively.
All couples are exposed to situations that arise both internally and externally. And in both cases, they can have positive or negative connotations, elements that can foster a good relationship or elements that put it at risk or in danger. To the extent that both partners in the relationship identify, recognize, and manage these situations, they will achieve a healthy, long-term relationship.
It is the responsibility of both parties to do this exercise of recognition and management; in any relationship, the success or failure of this lies on shared ground.
Couples therapy, a neutral space for expression
Couples therapy requires a space where we can be ourselves without fear of bias, attack, or judgment. Equality must be present for both participants; a situation is presented where the psychologist will mediate to identify the points that cause differences. Each participant must have complete freedom to express any issue that bothers or concerns them, without fear of reprisal or attack. It is of utmost importance to feel comfortable with the therapist, to connect emotionally with him or her, and to know that we are in a free, intimate space, with the desire to express or share what we want in order to resolve it.
Feelings such as guilt, lack of responsibility, poor communication, indifference, and self-criticism are common in couples therapy sessions. It's very important that these sessions become a space for reflection, openness, flexibility, and commitment. It's essential that both partners have at least a minimal intention to change. Otherwise, the burden will fall on only one partner, and this isn't recommended.
One of the most prevalent factors in disagreements between couples is taking actions, emotions, or words for granted; or thinking that people are just like that and there's nothing we can do about it. Routine, repetition, and automatic actions are factors that subtly wear down any relationship, and before we know it, we convince ourselves the relationship is bad. We're immersed in a reality that seems to suffocate us, that doesn't change, and the mere thought of changing it generates such a level of stress and laziness that we prefer to leave things as they are.
What happens if one of the parties does not want to go to therapy?
It's very common for one of the partners to resist going; their reality and comfort level prevent them from seeing the need for it. Often, there's resistance because they acknowledge to themselves that they're part of the disagreement, but they don't refuse to admit it to the other person.
Going to therapy means laying everything out on the table, laying bare our truth, no matter how convinced we are of it. It means opening up the debate to see ourselves again, to reconnect with ourselves and our partner.
Those who don't want to go don't take responsibility for what they've done or built. They blame the other person and expect the other person to make the necessary changes to improve the situation. There's minimal or no self-criticism, and they then turn that person into something that's unlikely to improve. They become a barrier rather than a driver that keeps the relationship moving forward.
Insults, aggression, disrespect, indifference, and infidelity are some of the elements that can be present in a relationship, and when engaging in couples therapy, it's essential that both partners recognize the element they're addressing. Otherwise, it's better to engage in therapy individually.
Whoever begins a couples therapy process always does so with the goal of healing, but we must be very clear about this: in this process of personal and couple healing, separation can sometimes be the path that leads us to that healing. Continuing a relationship isn't the result of couples therapy; it's finding common ground where we can agree, resolving the issues that have hurt us, and addressing those for which we are responsible. The paths can lead us to a continuation of the relationship under new learning, or to a temporary or permanent separation under certain conditions of maturity, awareness, and tranquility.
The professional who accompanies them will need to be able to differentiate between the different scenarios. Therapy must be seen as a meeting point and a point of agreement, regardless of the path the relationship takes, to help each member of the couple become their best selves, whether individually or in a relationship.
If you want to improve your well-being, we at Psycolocity can help. Contact us and BE your best self.